D

I saw on someone else's blog where they did an entry about each of their family members. I wanted to start doing about one of these a month. Tonight this is about D.
D was born May 31, 1997. She was the most demanding baby that I have ever seen. She did not sleep more than 3 hours at a time until she was 5 months old. To say that she has had more impact on my life than anyone else is an understatement. She is extremely passionate about people. This started very early on. She is definitely dedicated to those that she loves.
She has accepted her stepfamily better than I could have ever imagined. She has embraced having a sister, and I am positive that her and O will be very close for the rest of their lives. She really tries with George. Sometimes even more than he does. She definitely struggles with his identity. I think that at times he makes her question her role to me. There is no comparison between the love for a child and the love for a soulmate. I am sure that she will realize this one day.
I can't wait for the time when I get to be her friend.

What If?

What if I don't get pregnant? I think that this is the first time that I have opened myself to the possibility that this might not work. Can I make it through that? Can we survive together? Will I question if George is deep down relieved that it did not work? These are all questions that are going through my head today. How do you handle the "What ifs?"

I have decided that we are going to pray about this. I'm not going to pray for a baby. I somehow feel very selfish doing that. My decision to tie my tubes is the reason that I can't conceive naturally. I feel like if I pray for a child that I am asking for something that i don't deserve. I want to pray that I can make it through this intact. I want to pray that God will help our marriage grow stronger through this experience.

Can the wait be any longer

I feel like time is standing still. I try to keep reminding myself that happiness is a journey, not a destination, but this sucks! I hate that we have to wait until May before we will know if our family is growing. If only we had a crystal ball.

In the meantime, things are progressing. I asked George the other day if he ever thought about the fictional baby. He told me that he passed the cribs and it made him think about it. I was "over the moon." I can't believe that we are doing this, but I am so excited.

We have discussed names in great detail. I have been so set on not decided a name until we actually meet the baby. While we have it down to several different names, I am pretty set on 2. George's grandmother is named Ada, and my Grandma is Helen. I love the combination of these 2 names: Adalen. For a boy, I like Cohen Todd. Since our kids names are T, O, Dy, and D we have the perfect acronym, Todd. I also like Emerson and Ellison for a girl.

BTW, in case you don't know me IRL, I am very much a "jump the gun" type of person. I think that is very apparent by this post.

Grandma

I'm not really sure what to say about the most amazing person that I have been blessed to meet. I love her with all of my heart. I can't imagine my life without her. She is the one person that has NEVER said anything negative to me.

My Grandma was born in 1926, the same year as her future husband. After getting married, she had 4 children. In 1988, she buried her husband, my grandfather. After this, she began to obsessively golf. This is where she meet her soul mate, Fred. They shared a wonderful life from 1997 until his death too soon last year. I think that this was the point that Grandma started to fall apart. She was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis and Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

She was hospitalized for the first time in her life, with the exception of child birth, on January 29. We were told last week that her life as she lived it is over. No more golf for my Grandma. This is heartbreaking to anyone that cares for Grandma. What is the point of living, if you aren't able to live the life that you choose.

Where we are going!

So, while everything in my family is absolutely perfect, it still feel like something is missing. For the past 5 years, I have known that I have wanted another child. This want has grown to nothing less than an obsession after meeting the perfect man. After thinking and talking about this extensively, we have decided that we want another child.

I was certain that a tubal reversal was the way to go. I spent a little over a month researching my options. We bit the bullet and made an appointment for February 7 with Dr. Goldstein a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I was incredibly optimistic.

The doctor reviewed my operative report. I was waiting for the announcement that I was a perfect candidate, and that we should schedule the surgery immediately. I was delusional apparently! When the doctor did the Tubal Ligation, he removed too much of the Fallopian Tube, making reversal impossible. As tears were streaming down my face, he switched gears to start explaining In Vitro Fertilization. We were doubtful, to say the least.

I left the doctor's office feeling very disappointed. I needed a drink, and fast. As we were sitting at Dave and Busters drinking the strongest drinks that the bartender could offer at 1 in the afternoon, we decided to go for it.

I will be starting the IVF cycle in April, and transfer in May. If everything works out well, I will be a mom again around this time next year!!!

Our Family

This is me and my wonderful husband.

These are George's kids, O
and D.




This is me and my best friend, Amy.








Here are D and T, my two.

Where we Have Been

I am officially entering into the blogging world. I am not sure if this will ever be public, but I want a record of our journey. Unfortunately, this post might go on and on.

My name is Shawna. I got married when I was 20 to the father of my children. D was born in May of 1997, and T followed 3 years later in April of 2000. After T was born, I knew that I did not want anymore children with my husband. While our marriage was not horrible, I frequently used the word "content" to describe what I felt throughout most on the marriage. In 2003, we decided to separate. I moved into an apartment with a roommate.

While living in the apartment, I met the man that has changed my life. I started noticing this man who was always outside playing with his kids. He intrigued me because I typically did not know any man with such a "hands on" approach to parenting. I remember sitting on the balcony when his daughter was on the sidewalk below. I asked her what her dad's name was and she responded "George Washington McEl*** III." Without being able to control the laughter, I turned to my roommate and joked that I was going to one day be Mrs. George Washington McEl*** III.
It wasn't long after the balcony encounter that D started playing with his daughter, O. Before she could spend the night at our house, the parents had to meet. After meeting him, I knew that I felt something for this man, but brushed it off since I was adamant about not becoming serious with anyone anytime soon. I was wrong!! I could not spend enough time with him. In addition to O, who is now 12 he also has a son Dy, who is 10.
We were married last April. We had a ceremony in Las Vegas, with our kids and my best friend being the only "guests." I chose this route for many reasons. It seemed that ALL of our family had opinions on the details of our wedding. I was overwhelmed! It did not take long for us to decide that we would have the wedding far away to allow us to do exactly what we wanted while having a great family vacation.
I love my chaotic and stressful life. We have my kids Monday through Friday, and his kids every other Monday through Sunday. While it seems that our house is busting at the seams with 6 people in 4 bedrooms, I couldn't be happier.