Day 3 of stims

I had my first bloodwork check this morning. My E2 level was 375. They said that was good and decreased the Gonal-F from 300iu to 225iu. I am very pleased because I was worried about being a poor responder due to my higher FSH.

I can definitely feel my ovaries. It is slightly uncomfortable, but not painful. I still feel achy all over, but for the most part I am doing okay. I will be returning to the doctor of Friday for more bloodwork.

My Dogs

This is Macy. She was a stray dog that followed my niece to my house May 20, 2005. She was skinny and pregnant. I just could not turn her away. She was with us for about 3 weeks before she has her puppies. She as 6 beautiful puppies. She was very ill, as were the puppies. They all died on their 1 week birthday. The vet said that it was due to milk poisoning. They did not expect Macy to make it either but she did. She is supposed to be between 7 and 10 years old.

This is the baby of the house, Bella. My ex-husband's dog got pregnant because of his irresponsibility. She has 6 puppies, and Bella was the runt. The mom tried to kill her within hours of her birth, so he asked me if I wanted to try to save her. I was working as a Vet Tech at the time, so I took on the challenge. I never expected to keep her in the beginning.

This is Bella now. Apparently we kept her. This is a horrible picture and she is in need of a haircut, but you get the idea. She is the ruler of my husband's heart. She has claimed him and he spoils her rotten.

Finally, this is Teegan. He is Bellas's littermate, although he looked nothing like the other puppies. My ex-husband brought all of the puppies to me at 8 weeks so that I could find them homes. Teegan was my son's favorite. He was devastated about having to say goodbye. I just didn't have the heart to make him. I never thought that I would have 3 dogs, but I could not imagine our lives without them.

This is Teegan now. The puppies will be 2 on May 24. They are a handful, but worth all of the trouble.

Day 2 of stims

I got the Gonal F injection around 7 last night. By 8:30, I felt horrible. I was in bed asleep by 10. Today, I have alot of energy. I am loving being a housewife again, so I am sure that is part of it. We will see how I feel later tonight.

I am a control FREAK. It has been horrible giving the control of the shots to George. We have sort of a compromise. I do all of the mixing and preparations, and he just does the sticking. I had to give this control to him because it was very important for this to be a journey for both of us. I think that it has included him more than I could have ever hoped for.

I am not sure how I am doing emotionally. I have a hard time imagining myself with a baby. I was walking one of the dogs today and had to quickly erase the thoughts of how that was going to be with a baby. I can't let myself go there. I doubt that will make the hurt any less, but in some way I feel more prepared. I also do this semi-psycho self talking of convincing myself that I don't really need a baby. It's crazy, I know this, but I still do it. Once again, I somehow think that will make the rejection easier. Deep down, I don't think that I actually think that this will work. I have horrible luck. If it is based on luck, then I am out of the game.

Day 1 of Stims

Today has been surreal. I am really injecting myself with drugs 3 times a day. That sounds so strange to me, yet I am doing it. It's scary how much women will go through to have a baby, me included.

I started off the day with 5 units of Lupron, and 75 units of Repronex. Neither hurt going in at all. The Repronex left a whelp on my stomach though. It is very tender now, but the nurse warned me about it. This is the reason why most doctors do not use Repronex. Unfortunately, my insurance will not pay for Follistim.

George will be home in a few minutes to inject the Gonal F. We will see how that one goes. He actually insists of doing all of the injections. It has been such a great surprise to see how much he wants to be involved.

I feel pretty good. I start to get a headache everyday about 3 pm. It gradually gets worse until I finally give in and go to sleep, which is never past 10 anymore. That is from the Lupron.

I have taken off of work indefinitely because I just feel overall crappy. It's part-time so it's not that big of a deal. I am a waitress during the day. I just think that I will be so much more relaxed not having to worry about pleasing other people. It is our extra spending money, and I don't feel much like going out anyway.

Bad Day

Do you know those days that everything is just not right? That's today. I can't stop crying, over nothing, or everything depending on which way you look at it.

• George left his cellphone at home so I can't text him to tell him how sad that I am. This makes it even worse.
• I feel beyond fat. I decided that I needed to get up this morning and use the treadmill, but it won't work.
• I'm off work today, so I need to be doing laundry and cleaning the bathroom. I can't get the motivation.

I am pretty sure that this is hormonal, but that doesn't make it much better. Oh, and the real kicker....I'm sad that I am going through all of this and there is no guarantee that any of it will work. That definitely makes me sad!!!

Changes

So, now I am really confused. I started my period 6 days early. I wasn't supposed to start until the 24th, but instead I started on Friday. I called the RE's office and she said that I needed to come in on Monday for a suppression check, but that would not change our calendar. I just might be cutting the Lupron back to 5 units.
This is confusing to me. From what I read, when you are suppressed, you start the stims. I vaguely remember my RE saying that he was going out of town the last week in April, so maybe that's why. I'll find out more on Monday.

Day 6

I woke up again with a headache, but it's not too bad. I took some Tylenol so hopefully that will help.

I just wanted to add that I hope that I am not coming off as an ungrateful whiner. Before I started, I longed for information on what to expect. I wanted to know every detail. That is why I am being so detailed about the S/E. I am very grateful for this amazing process that will hopefully work for us.

On another note, I watched "The Baby Lab" on DHC last night. It was the story of 4 women going through IVF. It was quite depressing. I think that 2 of them got pregnant, but I just wish that this was a 100% guaranteed process. The show was pretty good about showing alot of the details of the process, but it was a little dated.

Finally, I wanted to thank my anonymous commenter. I can't express how grateful I am that someone is following our story. It makes me feel a little less lonely.

Much Better-Day 5

The headache is gone. Well, not completely but it is just a very dull ache now. The body aches are better too. I got a new side effect today though. My face has been very red and hot all day. It's kinda strange, but not near as bad as the headaches or body aches.

I feel much more positive today. My goal is still to have something to freeze, but I totally trust that my doctor will make sure that happens. That is his job, right. It's up to me to make sure that they stick, but his job to make sure they get to that point. So here's to Dr. G, let's hope that you do what I am paying you to do!!

I've been hit by a bus!

OK, not really, but it sure feels like it. I wanted to feel great on the Lupron. In actuality, I feel horrible. I am exhausted, and my whole body aches like the flu. Luckily, my RE called in some Tylenol 3. That has given me quite a bit of relief.
I keep telling myself that it will all be worth it in the end.

Day 3

Today was my 3rd Lupron shot. I didn't want to post messages about side effects because I was afraid that I was psychosomatic. I probably still am a little bit, but I am TIRED. Exhausted would be a better word. I yawn no less than 6000 times a day. I could lay in bed and sleep non-stop. I also feel "full of blood." My head has this sort of throbbing to it that is sort of a dull ache, like there is too much blood in it.

I have tried and gotten pretty successful at not obsessing about a baby. This all feels too procedure-y to be real. I am trying to focus on the process, not the end result. At times, I am absolutely positive that this won't work. Then there are other times that I am choosing names and baby cribs. Today, I am leaning towards this not working. I am now focused on it working enough to have some embryos to freeze. That way it won't be over for us.

First Injection

I jumped out of the bed exactly at 7 am when my alarm when off. This was better than Christmas morning. I rushed to the kitchen to get my cold bottle of Lupron, and all of our supplies. Then, I went and woke George up.

He very officially started to fill the syringe. Ever so delicately, he injected me in my stomach. Then he pushed the medicine in as fast as he could. I think that I really wanted it to hurt. Nope, nothing, hardly felt it. That's okay, this is the beginning of something great!

After we finished, we layed back in the bed to go to sleep. I explained to him that next time it might be better to quickly put the needle in and push the medicine a little slower. He needs to practice for the Progesterone in Oil injections. So, that is all. That was my momentous morning.

Random Thoughts

Tonight I am overwhelmed. I am starting Lupron tomorrow morning at 7. We initially decided that 6 would be the best time, but bumped it back one hour. I am so scared of getting my heart broken. Tomorrow means everything to me.

Tomorrow could be the beginning of the road to pregnancy. Next January, the 29th to be exact, I could be due to give birth to my perfectly healthy child. How amazing is that? I have planned that day to the exact details in my head. Excessive, yup, that's just me.

OR, tomorrow could be the day of our dream coming to an end. Our insurance has a $3500 maximum for IF benefits. If we have no embryos to freeze, and this cycle doesn't work, we are finished. There will be no more children for our family. I will have to come to some type of acceptance. I have this planned in my head as well. I think that expecting the worst is so much easier. I somehow think that the pain will be less this way, ridiculous I know.

I compare myself to a bunch of other ladies on the Nest message boards. There are several of us that are going through IVF at the same time. I look at their stories, and realize that they all deserve it so much more than I do. Some of their stories are absolutely heart wrenching. I can't begin to count how many times I have cried over complete strangers. It won't be fair if I get pregnant and they don't. I am praying that we all get this!

Finally, I am really thinking about the loneliness that I am feeling. There is nobody that can relate to how I feel, and it sucks. There are only 2 people IRL life that know all of the details of IVF. My sister knows very little. Other than those 3 people, everyone else has no clue. That sucks! I wish that I could have my own little cheerleaders rooting for the same outcome that I am. I wish that my family was different.

For now, I will focus on this one day at a time. Tomorrow, I have Lupron. I have a chance of having a baby. That has to be enough for now.

George Gets Graded

We had his semen analysis on Thursday. He was so excited because he was positive that he passed with flying colors. He was so funny with his little cup on the drive. You would have thought that he had actual babies in his armpit!
We got the results and everything is okay. It's not perfect, but nothing is a problem either. Here are the results

Volume- 2 mL -normal is between 1 and 6.5
Count- 33 million per mL- normal is 20-150 million per mL
Motility (how well they swim)- 55% - normal is greater than 40%
Morphology (the shape)- 7% - they like to see greater than 14%

The only red flag is the morphology, but the nurse was not concerned at all. So we will wait and see!

What's Appropriate

BEGINNING OF RANT
I had a dentist's appointment today, and I was explaining to the assistant that I needed everything completed today since I will be starting IVF on Sunday. Her response was to tell me that I was crazy and question how I could want more kids. I know that is the standard response.

So my question, why is it not appropriate for me to want more kids. Are there unwritten rules somewhere that if your youngest child is x years old, you should not have any more children? How about if you have more that x children you should not have any more? These rules SUCK!

I have 2 kids. I made a mistake in getting my tubes tied. Aside from that, I have Endometriosis. Those two things combined make me infertile. Does that mean that I don't have the right to have more kids?

I have heard women that are ashamed to be doing IVF. For most women, I think that is absolutely crazy. Why should you be ashamed for something that you had no control over? Yet, my head hangs in shame. None of my family, other than my sister knows about IVF. I just have decided that this is our choice and I refuse to subject myself to negativity.

END OF RANT

My medication

In case anyone was curious was $4000 of medication looks like, here it is. Thank goodness that I have insurance, because my cost was only $1206.

IVF in a nutshell

I want to spend a post explaining to process of IVF. It's not that I am likely to forget it, but I might share this blog with family members one day. The only person in my family that knows what we are doing is my sister. While she is generally uninterested in my life, there is no doubt that she loves me. Off topic again!!

Anyway here is the breakdown as it has been explained to me.

March 26- This is where I had my first blood test. Since it was exactly day 3 of my cycle (CD3), they were looking for some baseline numbers of hormones. They also did a required STD screen. George was also screened for all STD's.

March 28- This was my first official IVF appointment with Dr. Goldstein. We had an ultrasound to check the condition of all of my reproductive organs. I was very relieved that everything was normal. With having endometriosis, I was afraid that I would have some residual damage. He also did a Trial Embryo Transfer. This is to take measurements of my uterus so that there are no surprised on the transfer day.
We got the blood work back. Everything was normal. The only concern is my FSH level. While 10 is the cutoff of normal, mine was 9.5. Which is the higher end of normal. Because of this, he raised one of the injectible medications slightly.

April 3- This was the night of the orientation with the Presbyterian ARTS lab.

April 10- At 8:30 we have to turn George's Semen Analysis (SA) into the ARTS lab. We also have an appointment with Dr. G for our injection class.

April 13- This will be the first day of injections. I start on 10 units of Lupron. This is a medication to suppress ovulation to make sure that everything happens on the right schedule. George will be injecting my stomach every morning with this medication.

April 24- I have to go in for a blood draw and ultrasound.

April 28- George will start antibiotics this day to prevent any infection before the day of retrieval. I will be decreasing my Lupron to 5 units. I will be adding 2 new injections, Repronex 75iu in the morning, and Gonal F in the evening, for a total of 3 injections per day.

April 30- Blood work

May 1-10- ultrasounds and bloodwork every day or two

May 7- The remaining dates are very tentative. The exact dates will be based on my blood draws and ultrasounds. This might be the date of my trigger shot. This is an injection that takes place exactly 36 hours before the ER.

May 8- INJECTION FREE DAY!!

May 9- Egg Retrieval- This is where they will put me to sleep to retrieve all of the eggs out of the follicles in my ovaries. This is done with the aid of ultrasound. During this process, George will be producing his sample. The egg and the sperm will mix approximately 6 hours later and the embryos will be created. I will also start Progesterone in Oil injections in my upper hip.

May 10- Fertilization of the eggs will be assessed 12-19 hours after insemination.

May 12- The lab will call with the growth status of the Day 3 embryos. If there are too few embryos to risk waiting for a Day 5 transfer, we will have the transfer this day.

May 14- Day 5 transfer!

May 23- Pregnancy test (Beta)

Orientation

Tonight was the orientation at the ARTS lab. To say that there was an overflow on information is an understatement. I think that George was bored to tears. The emphasis was on single embryo transfer. While the rationale is justified, I can't imagine putting everything on one embryo. I want to do everything in my power to make sure that this is successful. Twins would be fine with us, as long as everyone stays healthy.
Our next appointment is next Thursday, the 10th. We will have the injection class at this time. Then we start injecting Lupron in the 13th.