Relief

Both babies are doing very well.

This is baby A. He was the small one, and he now is only measuring 2 days behind at 7w6d. His heartrate is 154. His sac is still on the small side, but much better than last week.

This is baby b, measuring 8w1d. The heartrate is 138.

Here are both sacs together. Baby A is on the left. You can see the sac for baby B, but for some reason the baby is being shy.

Tomorrow is the day

I haven't posted anything lately because my thoughts have been pretty consumed by the health of the other baby. For the last several days, I have been pretty sick with m/s, so I am taking that as a good sign. We will know tomorrow.

On a good note, our Padre trip has been canceled. I can't tell you how relieved I am. They still don't have electricity down there, and are boiling their water. So it is definitely no place for vacationers. We will be looking for alternative plans around here to entertain them next week.

Just words

I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I know that lately I seem to be somewhat of a downer type of person. That's not who I am. I am normally optimistic to a fault. My husband used to joke with me that I could live in a cardboard box and comment on how great the view is. That's the person that I was, and I long to be that way again.

Instead, I have thoughts of doom running through my head. I want to be positive. I really do. When I look at other pictures of twins, they never look quite like mine. I have debated posting this picture. It just looks so bad. While it looked pretty bad in person, it wasn't quite this dreary looking.

The little blob on the left has become a person to me. I imagine that he is alot like his brother, Tyler. Tyler is very small for his age. You would think that would bother a very athletic and active 8 year old, but it doesn't phase him in the least. He just says that it makes him faster. That's what I imagine this baby is. He's small, but feisty. I just pray that the little guy hangs in there.

I have been wondering if the baby doesn't make it, will I know when it happens? I know that this is the most morbid thought, but writing about it makes it better. Then, what about the other one? Will it know subconsciously that it was once a twin? Will I adjust to being joyously pregnant with a singleton, or will I always long for what could have been?

It's time to snap out of it.

This is the only picture that the RE gave me. You can barely see a blob to the left of the baby on the right. That is the other baby with a perfect heartbeat of 144.

Meme

Nit tagged me for this meme...All you have to do is answer the questions with one word, and tag four people. I think that this is the perfect time for distractions
1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Your significant other? napping
3. Your hair? flat
4. Your mother? difficult
5. Your father? passive
6. Your favorite thing? kids
7. Your dream last night? forgettable
8. Your favorite drink? Sprite
9. Your dream/goal? Happiness
10. The room you’re in? Family
11. Your hobby? Blogging
12. Your fear? snakes
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Here
14. What you’re not? relaxed
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. One of your wish list items? babies
17. Where you grew up? Texas
18. The last thing you did? typed
19. What are you wearing? clothes
20. Favorite gadget? computer
21. Your pets? trouble
22. Your computer? tired
23. Your mood? worried
24. Missing someone? no
25. Your car? clean
26. Something you’re not wearing? shoes
27. Favorite store? Target
28. Like someone? sure
29. Your favorite color? changes
30. When is the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? today

As for the 4 people: Marcy, I could have never made it through this without you, Christy, who could use a distraction, Michelle, I am praying for you, and Kate, who deserves a BFP. I am going to cheat and add two more: Kelly, who is enjoying her BFP, and Deanna, who is days ahead of me with twins.

Still 2, but...

One looks much smaller. He didn't give me exact numbers, and I don't think that this was necessarily a good sign. You could definitely see that one was significantly smaller. George said that both babies looked to be the same size, and that it was just the sacs that were different. I am not so convinced. The heartbeats were 144 and 147.
We have an appointment next Wednesday with the OB, and I am hoping that they will do another u/s.

Ultrasound Pictures

These are from last week. I was 6wks3ds.

This is a picture of both babies.

This is one baby's heartbeat of 122.

This is a picture of baby 122.

This is the second baby's hb. It is 127.

This is a picture of baby 127.

I know that these are pretty boring, but they seem to fade fast, so I wanted to make sure I scan them as I get them.

BumGenius GiveAway and more

You can enter here. I think that I want to at least try to cloth diaper, although I am not sure how much more work it will be for 2. I do know that there will be alot more trash with 2, and that part really bothers me. I'll be sure to write more about these thoughts later. I feel like I have to get through the sonogram tomorrow, or I might be jinxing myself.

Our doorbell rang at 5 am this morning. This time it wasn't even from the kids leaving the car doors open. It was a very perky girl in her early twenties asking for Amber. We told her that she had the wrong house, and then she tried to convince us that she was in fact right. She told us that she knows that the directions said that second house on our street. She said that she was from a radio station and this Amber girl was taking care of a man that had just been in a motorcycle accident. I sent her next door.

Anyways, please pray for me tomorrow. I have been having alot of cramping throughout the night. It is not painful, but definitely a new sensation. I don't want to overreact, but it is a little worrisome.

Whining Over

That last post was pretty bad. I was going to erase it, but decided that I would lose authenticity that way. This is such an up and down journey, and I wanted to document the highs with the lows.

We asked Tyler last night what he thought about having another baby, in very generic terms. He said "I don't want a baby, because I don't like babies much." OK, that's settled. Delaney is still the only kid that knows and she is excited about it.

Our dreaded vacation has a slim possibility of getting canceled. South Padre is about to get hit by a hurricane, or it might have already happened. I haven't read the news yet. I would totally be okay with that. Twelve hours with all of the kids in a car doesn't sound so great.

Van.ishing Twin Syndrome

I should have never goog.led this. It happens in up to 30% of all twin pregnancies. One of the twins just stops developing. Please don't let me fall into that 30%.

I am praying that we see 2 perfect heartbeats on Thursday.

So I guess this is real

I have spent the weekend is sort of disbelief. While I always knew that this was a possibility, I didn't quite grasp it. I didn't think that I would be lucky enough to get pregnant with one, much less 2. We are definitely excited.
I told my mom about everything yesterday, starting with IVF and ending with twins. She took it rather well, EXCEPT for this comment:

mom:I've heard that alot of times it starts out as 2, but only ends up being one. We can hope that is what happens.
me: Mom, that would mean that one of my babies would die. I would never hope for that to happen.

I didn't necessarily take this as the rudest comment ever. It's just my mom. I expected her to comment on how much weight I was going to gain and how hard it would be to get off, but she didn't. I'm sure that conversation will be coming.

We started a savings account for the baby. I did some basic computations in my head about how expensive 2 of everything is, and its alot. There is a multiples sale in October, so I'm hoping to be able to score some great used stuff at a decent price then.

My next u/s is scheduled on Thursday. I am praying that there are still 2 perfect heartbeats. I would love for the 2nd baby's gestational sac to catch up. That would be a great sigh of relief. Wishful thinking!

Details

So I thought that I would blog about exactly what happened. We got the the office at exactly 10:13 for a 10:15. I know this because George had to point out that we were not late like I just knew that we would be.

They called me back and had me strip. Then Linda came in to do the u/s. I thought that the Dr would be doing it, but oh well. She starts measuring the first sac and shows us the heartbeat. It was 122. Then she said that there was another one. I was crying in shock. The gestational sac was clearly smaller. There was a heartbeat though. It was 127. She then turned the sound on so that we could hear both heartbeats. It was amazing.

After the u/s, we met with Dr. Gold.stein. He was great as usual. He said that I should not be worried about the different sizes. It was only a difference of 2 mm. He said that we could come back next week if it would make us feel better. We scheduled an appt for next Thursday.

I think that I am still in shock. I always knew that this was a possibility. I have been horribly bloated so I think that I considered that possibility a little more lately. It is still very surreal. On the downside, it gives me even more to worry about. I really should try to relax a little, but it is almost impossible.

Thank you everyone for all of you support and prayers.

It's 2!

I can't tell you how excited I am. Both babies are measuring right on target, with heartbeats of 122 and 127. One of the gestational sacs was smaller, but the doctor said that doesn't matter at all because both babies were exactly the same.
I am not sure if I should be scared or excited. I think a little of both. The doctor said that the risk of m/c goes down to less than 5%.

Random Thoughts

• I have lost my excitement about tomorrow. I am now terrified. I feel like today is my last day of ignorance, and I don't want it to end. I'm not sure I will ever feel secure in this, and it sucks.
• I am dreading vacation. We are driving to South Padre, which is a 12 hour drive. We are taking all 4 kids, and my nephew. It is going to be the trip from hell. If I continue feeling the way that I have the last few days, I will be miserable.
• I have been feeling nauseous all day for the last few days. I am not complaining at all, it has been very reassuring.
• I have the weirdest cravings. They are seem to be from another decade, and almost impossible to find. They are Bugles, shoestring potatoes, cherry sourballs, and yellow cheese popcorn. I tried 3 different stores, but finally found them all at the gas station. I thought that was pretty random.
• Congratulations to Deanna and Kelly on their great u/s. I hope to be posting the same news tomorrow.

Dreams

I am really trying to stay positive. In my awake moments, I am fairly confident that everything will be okay. Most of the time, I question how many heartbeats, not even entertaining the option on not seeing one.

It's when I am asleep that the negativity creeps in. I am having the most vivid dreams. Last night, miscarriage was the subject of choice. They were different scenarios, and I will spare you the details, but they were so real that several different times I woke up believing them. It was a very long night to say the least.

I am also having the hardest time falling asleep. It was after 2 when I finally last looked at the clock. I am so tired, just not able to sleep. It's catching up to me.

I have 2 days to go. On one foot, I a terribly excited. On the other, I am terrified. I am so scared that this will all be over. I feel like I am only pregnant until proven otherwise, not really pregnant. It's just all so scary.

He was able to get off

The u/s is scheduled for Friday at 10:15. Can time go any slower?

100 things about my family

This is my 100th post, so I thought that I would post 50 things about my family.
1. I have 2 kids, Tyler and Delaney. They are 8 and 11.
2. George has 2 kids, O and D. They are 11 and 13.
3. When I was born, my parents lived 2 streets over from George's family in Dallas, although they did not know each other.
4. My parents and George's parents had their first date a the same place in Dallas. They have still never met.
5. I am a middle child, although I don't have any contact with my older brother.
6. George is the baby of his family.
7. My son and George's daughter look like siblings, and my daughter and his son look like twins.
8. All of our kids birthdays are approx. 1 month apart, starting the beginning of March and ending the last day of May.
9. I call my daughter Monkey Moe. This started when she was a baby after making a face that reminded me of a monkey.
10. If you put all of our kids names together it spells Todd, which is the middle name that we have chosen if we have a boy.
11. I am scared of snakes. We have a bathroom that we are slowly renovating, and I won't open the door because of an irrational fear that there is a snake in there.
12. We have lived in 2 different houses in the same neighborhood.
13. My husband thinks that "gription" is a word to describe good tennis shoes.
14. D thinks that the best way to fix electronics is to turn it off and then turn it on again. He is usually right.
15. I have 2 dogs that were born in the same litter, but look like 2 completely different breeds.

16. Delaney scored a perfect score on her Taks test. She must take after me!

17. I hate the smell of Vanilla, except for the soap that the creep doctor gave me on the day of my ER. I somehow think that it gave me good luck.

18. I have to make my bed everyday or I have a hard time getting comfortable at night.

19. I love reality TV.

20. Tyler is scared on nothing that he should be, like jumping his bike off of ramps, or climbing on the roof, but terrified of people in costume, storms, and loud noises.

21. Neither one of my kids like to watch TV.

22. My son loves to sleep with the dogs on the couch.

23. Tyler is the only kid that likes to wake up early, but then he usually takes a nap.
24. This is alot harder than I ever thought that it would be.
25. I love to read sappy romance novels. Nora Robert is my favorite author.
26. George thinks that Neos.porin cures everything. It reminds me of the Win.dex in My Big F.at Gree.k Wedding.
27. I can't eat meat off of the bone. I will only buy boneless.
28. I was a Biology major in college.
29. My Grandma is the best person that I know.

30. Delaney and I are the only ones with brown eyes in my family. The rest are blue-eyed.
31. Delaney will be playing the French Horn in school this year.
32. D will be playing the Trombone.
33. Delaney and D will be in the same school and the same grade this year for the first time. They went to different elementary schools.
34. O is the only 13 year old that I know that hates to wear makeup.
35. In the middle of this post, my computer stopped recognizing my memory card for some strange reason.
36. Tyler's best friend is also named Tyler, and they look alot alike.

37. Delaney has a bearded dragon named Charli.

38. I loved the Cure in high school.

39. Now I listen mostly to country music.

40. George drives the kids crazy by popping their toes.

41. Delaney is highly allergic to nickel. We have to cover the buttons on her blue jeans with band-aids.

42. We usually go the the beach for vacation in the summer. This year, we are going to South Padre Island.

43. We got married in Las Vegas and our kids were the only people in our wedding.

44. I lost my wedding ring on New Year's Eve. I now only were a band.

45. There is no way I am going to be able to come up with 100 things.

46. We have every other weekend without kids.

47. Tyler is Dan's favorite. He brings him little treasures that he finds on the streets.

48. We don't have a single white wall in our house.

49. I have always wanted to know how to quilt and decorate a cake.

50. I'm a loser, who is only finishing half of this.

Decisions

George just found out that it will be next to impossible to get off of work on Friday for the u/s. I really don't want to go without him. I am going to call and schedule it for either Thursday or Monday. I would really like to go on Thursday, but I will only be 6w1d, which might be too early for a h/b. I think that I am too impatient to wait until Monday. WWYD?

What does pregnant feel like

I should know that answer since I have been pregnant twice, but I just don't remember. To me pregnant feels like anxiety and worry. That is about all. Any other symptoms could be attributed to the PIO, including a very sore ass. I just wish I felt pregnant, then I would know if something happened to make me un-pregnant. That would be so much more reassuring.

This weekend was really nice. George was actually off on Sunday, so we spent the day that the Farmer's Mar.ket. We got okra, tomatoes, peaches, apricots, jalapenos, onions, zucchini, and squash. Can you tell that I am craving vegetables? I meant to take my camera because there is just so much to look at but I forgot it as usual.

I think that I am going to go back to work next week. I am a waitress for the lunch shift at a local diner. It's not exactly the job that puts all of my college work to good use, but it is perfect for my schedule. I work for about 3 hours a day and make enough money for groceries and all of the kids junk. It works perfectly for us. I took off during the middle of IVF #1. It was just getting too difficult, the most difficult part was putting on my entirely too tight jeans. I decided to just stay on leave to be home with the kids for most of the summer. Now, I'm getting antsy. I ordered a pair of black maternity jeans off of e.bay, so I should be ready to go next week sometime. I know, it is way too soon for the maternity thing, but my jeans now don't fit, and black jeans are next to impossible to find in the summer. We'll see how it works out.

Dear ole Dan

I am not sure how Dan found out about the pregnancy, but he can be pretty observant. Here is our conversation as we are walking into W.almart

him: So, you are expecting?
me: I'm expecting a big grocery bill by the time you are done shopping
him: but what about the baby
me: yes, Dan, we are going to have a baby
him: When did you first know that you were late
me: Dan, we aren't gonna talk about this anymore
him: You should have a boy. They grow to be big and strong and can help out around the house. Girls just spend money.
me: Dan, what do you want to eat for the next few days?

I was a little weirded out by the late question. He can come up with the strangest things sometimes.

In other news, I have hired the nurse from hell to help take care of him, and I am regretting it. She was sent by h.ome hea.lth to help monitor his diabetes, or at least that is what I thought. She is actually a psych nurse who feels like it is her job to tell me what I am supposed to do. We have spent the last several days arguing about his care. Dan spends every day riding his bike around the neighborhood. He wears a helmet, observes all traffic laws, and all of the businesses around here know him and have my number in case of an emergency. I am ok with all of this. Psycho nurse sees a problem. She thinks that it is "unsafe". I have tried to explain that I am perfectly okay with him continuing the same routine that he has had for the past 5 years. She disagrees.

Then, she proceeds to tell me that if I really cared, Dan would be living with me. Dan currently lives with his brother about 2 blocks away from my house. While it isn't luxurious living, his needs are being met. We experimented with Dan living with us a couple of years ago, and these are some of the reasons that it definitely didn't work:

• Dan is paranoid. He is very concerned about fire. He would daily come behind me and turn the oven off with dinner in it on the side of caution.
• He is very thrifty. He doesn't like to "waste" washloads. I would enter the bathroom in the mornings and would reach for a nice towel to wash my freshly washed face. What I would find instead would be size 52 underwear that have been freshly washed in the bathtub. This tended to start my morning off on a bad foot.
• He would "clean" the kids rooms. This would entail of him hanging everything on doorknobs, hooks, and bedposts that he could possibly fit. Tyler did not appreciate his dirty underwear being on the door to his bedroom.
• He is obsessed with locking the door. I would go outside to check the mail only to come to a locked door.
• The reality of it is that it just wasn't healthy for my family. We have enough going on here without that added stress. I love the man dearly, but I just can't live with him.

I think that it is time to use my med.ical pow.er of attor.ney and get rid of the nurse from hell.

Nerves

I am just a huge pile of nerves today. It seems like miscarriage is so common. How do I relax and enjoy something that is so unpredictable?

It scares me that I don't have m/s yet. I know that this is stupid. I'm not sure when it began with Delaney, and it never came with Tyler, but I can't help worrying. I keep telling myself that I'll be okay after the u/s next Friday, but once again, I know that's not true.

I told Delaney last night. Well, it was a combination of me telling her and her discovering it for herself. She went into my ph.oto.buck.et account to get some pictures for her new m.ysp.ace and saw the pregnancy tests. I fessed up because I was definitely not going to lie. She was okay about it. She didn't seem overly excited, but I did stress that it was very early, and things could still happen. She is wishing for twins, despite me telling her that she really doesn't want that. I think that having her know definitely adds to my nerves.

On the financial front, we have started a savings account for the (not sure what to call it, but not ready to say the "b" word) embryo. George is adamant about not finding out the sex, if we do in fact make it that far. So, most of the shopping won't be done until after. While I find this exciting, it is going to be terribly frustrating. I like to plan. I think that he is doing it on purpose to keep me from planning, actually. Anyways, if you wouldn't mind, it would be great if you would c.lick on the a.d.s that are on the right. Every click helps.

Finally, I want to wish Marcy and HairyBaby the best of luck on their betas today. I am so nervous for them.

Plan B

I sent that email to my dad's email address on Monday. My sister just checked his email and he has 84 unread messages. Damn! I had her delete it because I have no idea when he will finally read it, and the stress is driving me crazy.
I can send it to my mom's email, but that goes straight to her Bla.ckberry. She could be anywhere when she reads it, so I don't think that is a good idea. I have no idea what I am going to do now. One thing that is for sure is that it won't be anytime soon. I will now wait until I am starting to show to try again. Thanks for all of your support.

Banana Split Cake

I got this off of this blog. I have now made it twice, and it is seriously the best summer pie that I have had in a long time. So Yummy! I should have taken a picture before George and the kids attacked it, but it happened too fast.

Banana Split Cake

1 1/2 cups graham cracker crumbs (I used Nilla Wafers)

1 cup sugar, divided

1/3 cup butter, melted

2 pkg. (8 oz. each) cream cheese, softened (I used Fat free)

1 can (20 oz.) crushed pineapple, drained

6 medium bananas, divided (I only used 2 - I didn't put any on top)

2 cups cold milk

2 pkg. (4-serving size each) JELL-O Vanilla Flavor Instant Pudding & Pie Filling (I used French Vanilla)

2 cups thawed COOL WHIP Whipped Topping, divided

1 cup pecans, chopped

MIX crumbs, 1/4 cup of the sugar and the butter; press firmly onto bottom of 13x9-inch pan. Freeze 10 min.

BEAT cream cheese and remaining 3/4 cup sugar with electric mixer on medium speed until well blended. Spread carefully over crust; top with pineapple. Slice 4 of the bananas; arrange over pineapple.
POUR milk into medium bowl. Add dry pudding mixes. Beat with wire whisk 2 min. or until well blended. Gently stir in 1 cup of the whipped topping; spread over banana layer in pan. Top with remaining 1 cup whipped topping; sprinkle with pecans. Refrigerate 5 hours. Slice remaining 2 bananas just before serving; arrange over dessert. Store any leftover dessert in refrigerator.

I am a chicken shit

Here is a copy of the email that I just sent my parents. I know that this is incredibly sad, but I thought that this was the best way.

Mom and Dad,

I have gone back and forth trying to decide the right way to tell you this. This is something that we have wanted very badly, and I am afraid that you won't agree with our decision. I decided to send this by email so that you can have time to process this.

George and I started seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist in February to have a child together. After considering our options, we decided to go forward with IVF. We started a cycle in May that was cancelled due to poor response. On June 18, we went through with the transfer. We found out last week that I am pregnant. This is something that we are incredibly excited about. It has not been an easy journey. I wish I felt able to tell you about this earlier, but I was afraid that it would be something that you might not agree with. I hope that this is something that you both can be happy about.

While I would have preferred telling you this personally, I was afraid of being hurt by your reaction.

Love,
Shawna

Awake

It's 5:45 in the morning and I am awake. Why, you ask? Let me tell you the story.

At 5:37, I know this because my heart still has not started beating right, someone starts ringing my doorbell over and over. I get my naked husband out of bed and instruct him to get dressed. By the time we get to the door, my 7 year old nephew has already answered. That is so scary in itself. On the other side is one of our city's finest with a flashlight staring into my face.

Him: Have y'all been here all night?
Me: Yes sir, of course
Him: Your car door is open. You need to look in it to make sure that it hasn't been broken into.

I look in the car and everything is in its place. I tell him that the kids must have left it open, but that everything is there. He then tries to instruct me on the safety of locking the doors. Remember that is is 5:45 in the morning. I grumbled thank you, and then head in the house to teach my nephew about opening doors. Now I can't sleep.

Why didn't he just look inside and then shut the door? I guess then I wouldn't be here at this time posting this blog

My boobs hurt, alot. My ass is throbbing from the PIO shots. I have a spot from 2 days ago that is killing me to the point of not being able to lay on that side. Oh, and I am having a horrible time falling asleep. It's all still fabulous. It is a reminder of how incredible lucky that I am to be pregnant. My heart breaks for those who don't have this yet, but want it so severely.

On other news, my day will be consumed with taking care of Dan, George's paranoid schizophrenic uncle. This is how alot of days have been, but the need in definitely increasing. Dan is the sweetest, most gentlest man. He quite looks like Santa Claus. That is if you can get past the constant mumbling and the clothes that look at least 20 years old. When Dan's mother dies, she left him a ridiculous amount of money that is overseen by an attorney. I get a check once a month that I get to dole out to him daily. It has to be done this way because he will either spend it all on food, or give it to anyone that asks. I am not sure how I got appointed several years ago, but now I look at it as a blessing.

Three weeks ago, Dan had to be hospitalized. He was in a deep psychosis and did not even know his name. I took him to the hospital, and they kept him for 2 1/2 weeks to try to get him on some medication. He thinks that he was there because he had a heart attack. We have tried to tell him the truth, but he is convinced that his heart is giving out on him. He now credits me to saving his life from this imagined heart attack. I get daily gifts of change, weeds that look like flowers, or the offer of a back massage. I decline that last one. While I have come to love this man dearly, there are times that he can be so frustrating. Now that I have introduced him, I am sure that I will share many of his daily antics in the future.

Happy 4th of July

I just wanted to with every a very happy 4th. Without men like Q, and his supporting wife, we wouldn't have much to celebrate. Please keep him in you prayers for a safe return.

Beta #2

At 13dp2dt it is now 394. That is triple what it was 48 hours ago. I am so excited, although I am a bit nervous about having transferred 3 embryos. Thank you for all of the well wishes!

Congratulations to Deanna on her BFP!!

2nd beta tomorrow

This is finally starting to sink in, and I hope that tomorrow confirms that this is in fact real. I am starting to really obsess over symptoms so I am trying to think of other things.

I have been really focused on my diet the past few days. While I'm not truly dieting, I am trying to make better food choices. I plan on talking to the doctor about how many calories I have to consume daily.

Through both IVFs, I have gained about 20 pounds. This is so scary for me. I have struggled with my weight for most of my adult years. I had finally reached the healthy range last year before my wedding. I was ecstatic. I kept the weight of almost a whole year until I started IVF. I want my body to be as healthy as possible, and right now that's just not the case. I also walked on the treadmill for 20 minutes yesterday, and plan on continuing with that daily. Don't worry, I am going slow and taking it easy.

132

It's 132. OMG, I am totally freaking out. I'm pregnant.

Cramping

I am waiting for the results of my beta, but I am getting stressed out about the cramping. It doesn't quite feel like menstrual cramps, but more like pressure/stretching. I am also incredibly bloated. It seems awful early for any kind of stretching to be going on. It was so bad at times last night that sleeping was difficult. I plan on asking the nurse when she calls with the beta results.